Children & Funerals: Discussing Death With A Child

Talking death with children is an uncomfortable yet unavoidable part of parenting.

The COVID pandemic has forced many of us to consider the importance of discussing death with our children, perhaps at an earlier stage than we originally planned or hoped.

More and more children will have faced bereavement due to the pandemic but some parents may avoid talking to their kids about death, fearing it will make them sad or anxious,wanting to protect them from this inescapable aspect of life.

However, in light of research showing a 35% increase in children being referred to NHS mental health services since 2018/19, having open and honest discussions about death may be the way forward to help young people cope with and process loss and to help them realise they are not experiencing grief alone.

Belle About Town spoke to Crawford Pollock of Memorials of Distinction, and a host of experts in child psychology and grief, to discuss how to approach the topic of death with young children.

What is the best way to tell a child about death?

Crawford says: “Children need simple and logical information when someone has died, to help them better understand what has happened.

“Don’t over-explain the details, but do be clear, as children will fill in the blanks with their imagination, which is often far from the reality of the situation.

“Encourage them to share their thoughts; this may be a completely new topic for them, so check what they understand it to mean first. You don’t have to wait until someone in the child’s life has died to bring up death. Use any opportunities that arise to help your child understand the practicalities of death.”

Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and author at Good Thinking Psychology, told Belle About Town: “Death needn’t be scary. I’d just stick to facts that can be built on logically as the child grows up. Death is an unavoidable consequence of life and I try to include aspects of it in day-to-day life. If you’re out and about and you see a dead bird or animal, I would talk about it in simple terms. This can be helpful if a sudden death occurs because the child then already has a reference point for death existing. Give the child lots of opportunities to ask questions because I’m confident that they will have many!”

Should children go to funerals?

Crawford says: “Parents may want to protect their children from the physical and emotional strain of a funeral, but allowing children to be a part of the funeral rituals can be an important part of the child’s own grieving process. When children are allowed to attend the funeral, they are a part of the goodbyes and so don’t have to wonder what happened to the person that died. If your child is old enough to know what is happening, it is generally best to give them the choice and respect their decision.”

However, with the added emotional pressure of the pandemic, and the limiting quota on funeral attendees, this decision is becoming more difficult.

Dr Trent says: “This is a really unique decision for the family and of course for the child. In the times of the pandemic, I think it is especially important to consider whether you want to include children at  the funeral because attending can be a normal and important part of an adult’s grief and a rite of passage that can support the grieving process.”

Carole Henderson, managing director at the Grief UK charity, emphasises that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to children attending funerals.

She says: “Taking children to a funeral is a personal choice where there is no right or wrong answer.

“It is still worthwhile talking to children about the ritual of funerals. If you choose to leave them out of the funeral, it can be helpful to ask them to draw a picture or write a note to the person who has died, so they feel part of the experience of saying goodbye. Should you choose to take a young child, spend some time talking to them about what to expect”. 

A recent report by the Children’s Commissioner on the state of children’s mental health services in England also revealed that while referrals to children’s mental health services increased by 35%, the number of children actually accessing treatment only increased by just 4%.

Parents also need to consider whether each individual child is emotionally prepared for the proceedings. This is the case now more than ever, with the added pressures of the pandemic and the growing issue of children’s anxiety. A 2020 NHS survey found that 1 in 6 school-age children had a probable mental health disorder. 

The inadequate support available for children struggling mentally means that parents need to put more thought into exposing them to difficult subjects, such as death.

How do children react when you tell them about death?

Crawford says: “The way children understand and react to death will vary with age. Younger children may revert to immature behaviours or have outbursts, whereas school-age children may have difficulty concentrating or experience feelings of sadness, anger or guilt.

“Children don’t always vocalise their feelings, so watch how they act and make sure to check in with them. The most likely response for all children, however, is to have lots of questions.”

And Dr Trent adds: “Do be prepared for the questions and for the fact that they might catch you off guard.

“Please don’t be afraid of showing your emotions in front of your children. Children will make sense of death and dying by looking at their own most important people, this might include asking questions about whether you or they or someone else will die.”

It’s normal for children to experience a wide range of emotions in response to death, but it’s important that parents recognise when a child is responding normally or when they may need professional help. 

Choosing the right words to describe death to a child.

Crawford tells Belle: “‘Death’ and ‘dead’ are not new words for children—they may see dead creatures in the garden or dead flowers – what’s important is to help them make the association that these words can refer to people too.

“Avoid euphemisms such as ‘a better place’, or saying that the person is ‘sleeping’ or ‘lost’ as this can be confusing or even frightening to children.

“Although it can be tempting to use these softer descriptions of death, it’s important to use simple and direct language that is appropriate to their age and level of understanding.”

Dr Trent suggests “simple facts and exact phrasing are best”.

“If someone has died of cancer or a heart attack then I would use those terms and then break them down into concepts that the child understands.

“All of us die eventually because our hearts stop pumping and then our brain doesn’t get enough oxygen so I think if you’re lost for words you can just stick to those very basic facts.”

• For more support and advice surrounding bereavment please visit the GriefUK website here.