Why We All Need To Practice The Art Of Self Love

We are emotionally and culturally programmed to seek love from external sources because it’s easier than looking within. But are we able to truly look after others if we can’t look after ourselves emotionally? Belle About Town discusses the importance of self love with Sheela Mackintosh Stewart, a divorce lawyer and the founder of ifamilies.co.uk – a resource that specialises in providing expert and bespoke relationship advice. Here’s what Sheela told us…

We start out as children only knowing about receiving love from others. We grow up and expect to receive love and give love to another. We talk about finding ‘the one’ because we picture ourselves with someone who will meet our needs, make us feel secure and ‘complete’ us, just like our parents did.

Phrases like, “I want to love and be loved” are commonplace but sometimes it doesn’t come naturally to say, “I love myself ”. Yet to be truly capable of giving and receiving love, the skill and practice of self-love is essential.

When we don’t love our own faults, flaws, talents, quirks, how can we expect our partner to love them too? And by the same token, how can we learn to love our partner with all their flaws?

As the great Maya Angelou put it, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”

But what actually is self-love? Well, it’s an appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support physical, psychological and spiritual growth. It is a way of relating to yourself with kindness, support and concern. Of accepting faults and avoiding harsh judgement. It requires that we better accept our strengths and well as our weaknesses, that we grow in compassion for ourselves and become more centred in our life values and purpose.

This is not something you can buy in a beauty makeover tin or through a new set of clothes . It’s not even something that the most gratifying relationships can provide.

We’ve all heard of well-known figures who, allegedly, “had it all” but who nonetheless fell into or lost their life to depression, leaving behind devastated and despairing loved ones. Girls in particular are encouraged from a young age to adopt a passive behaviour of pleasing and prioritising other people’s needs and well-being before their own. As wives, mothers, sisters, these ingrained habits often lead to a lack of self-esteem and self-worth.

The problem here is that, if you’re not on good terms with yourself, it’s easy to become absorbed in self-contempt and get distracted from loving and caring for those around you.

Changing this pattern and learning self-love is essential for your own intrinsic happiness and for the maintenance of healthy happy relationships, and there are several ways you can do this:

• Think about what you need rather than what you want: Turn away from what feels good and exciting and focus on what you need to stay centered, strong and to move forward in your life. This will encourage you to turn away from automatic behaviour patterns that keep you stuck in the past, get you in trouble and lesson self-love.
• Live with purpose and design: A sense of direction and meaningfulness in your life will help you to make decisions based on long-term goals rather than short-term desires. Once you’ve achieved these aims, shout about them to others. Give yourself the credit you deserve.
• Be self-aware: Be mindful of who you are, what you think, feel and want. Act on this knowledge rather than what others want for you.
• Forgive yourself for your mistakes: Think about it – everyone that you love has faults, but you love them anyway. Why shouldn’t the same go for you? When something goes wrong, reflect on it, lean from it and move on. Don’t continue to beat yourself up about it.
• Stop trying to please everyone else: Sometimes we do far too much for those we love and stretch ourselves too thin out of a desire to please others. If this comes at the expense of your own happiness it can cause serious problems. Sometimes it is important to say no and accept that your needs are as important as everyone else’s.
• Take time out for yourself: Try to put aside 30 minutes of your time a day to completely relax – whether it’s having bubble bath, reading a book or meditating. Having a break from the chaos of life is a fantastic way to love and care for yourself.

Through the activities you really can learn how to treat yourself with the same compassion as you would a loved one. Be true to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself. Be loyal to yourself. Pay attention to yourself. Forgive yourself.  Love yourself as you do others.

• Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart can be found on social media here: Twitter: @sheelamac; LinkedIn: Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart; Facebook: @sheelamackintoshstewart