The Dating Expert Challenging Dating Clichés for the Over 50s

Sophie Personne is a dating expert and relationship mediator who has been working with singles and couples for more than a decade, helping them to establish a sense of self-identity so they can form meaningful and long-lasting relationships. She says not everyone has to have a partner to be truly happy, and she shuns ‘traditional’ dating expert techniques, preferring to work with individuals on themselves rather than part of a wider relationship. Belle About Town met with the woman challenging dating clichés, in particular for the over-50s.

Is there a perfect partner for everyone?

I think that there is. However, what needs to be clarified is the definition of ‘perfect’. To me, the perfect partner is someone who obviously has the qualities you want and need, but also has ‘flaws’ that you can live with – rather than winding you up or aggravating you. Let’s not forget that we all have our own unique quirks so the perfect partner will have them too. For example, I have misophonia so I couldn’t be with someone who whistles all the time, it would drive me mad.

What is your background and who do you help?

My background is corporate and managing teams. There aren’t many women in Operations in the security industry, especially 20 years ago. I wouldn’t say boo to a goose back then so it definitely defined me as an individual. I had no other choice but to face up to a number of fears and limiting beliefs to raise up to the plate. Learning ‘how to do confrontation’ was probably the toughest. Over the years, I started doing what I’m doing now but without realising it. Some of the staff were naturally coming to me for advice and I saw how being in a happy relationship (or not) impacted people’s performance.

I help both men and women over 40 who struggle with the whole dating and relationship experience. It might be because they’ve been out of the game for a while or because they just aren’t attracting the kind of partner that they want.

What advice would you give to a woman who considers herself ‘unlucky in love’?

The first thing I would say to her is to stop saying that she is unlucky in love. First of all, reasserting a negative emotion means that she will start to define herself as that, but it can also easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unconsciously, she is probably looking for for the negatives as opposed to enjoying the dating process and getting to know someone for who they are.

I don’t really believe that there is luck involved in love – we have to be open to it to start off with. I also feel that a lot of us have been brought up with the ‘Disney movie expectation’ – life is very different from that. We also need to take responsibility for our results so I would definitely challenge her reasons for that belief.  

Would you consider yourself unlucky in love?

No, I don’t consider myself unlucky in love. My best friend is an ex-partner I went out with 20 years ago. He even proposed to me and I said no. We were discussing this recently actually and we both agreed that we quite simply don’t work in a romantic relationship. But… we work extremely well as friends.

It’s great that you tell women not to change to please a man. What do you think of male dating coaches who coach on communicating with potential matches?

I don’t believe in following a script or using various tactics to get a man to text you back for example. I equally don’t believe in ‘rules’. To me, it’s just mind games and will just lead you to be with the wrong person. You just have to be yourself from the start, which means you have to accept yourself warts and all. Obviously, we all want to be on our best behaviour when we first meet someone but you still have to be you at the core.

That’s actually why so many relationships don’t work and the comment is always that people ‘have changed’. The truth is that they haven’t changed, they were just a different person trying to impress. I strongly believe that if a man doesn’t text you back, it’s a form of success because you then know that he’s not right for you and you haven’t wasted too much time.

Now to the business side – what made you take the plunge from successful corporate career to self-made businesswoman?

When I was 29, I challenged myself to pay my mortgage off in three years. A month after I somehow achieved that goal, it was announced the company I was working for had been bought out. I had already had thoughts about leaving. Having no mortgage would allow me to do something else, even though I didn’t know what that was at that point. As  I didn’t really like the new company, I decided to take redundancy. I just wanted to do something more fulfilling with my life.

What obstacles have you faced setting up your own business?

Anything you can think of and then some! I didn’t have an easy journey at all and the thought of giving up did regularly cross my mind. There have been far too many obstacles to be able to name them all but I’ll give you a few examples.

Before coaching, I started with events for single people. I was blocked from advertising and lost 70 to 90% of traffic to my website overnight. A larger company also copied my ideas and I didn’t have the funds to take them on. I also had various health issues and operations, which made running a business difficult to manage. I also ended up having to manage my dad’s surgery in France after finding him dead, which was a whole different ball game. And the rest…

What advice would you give to readers who want to go it alone and launch their own business?

Having some collaterals definitely helps, and so does having a part-time job. I genuinely wish I hadn’t gone fully self-employed from the start, I feel that probably made the journey even more difficult. Having something on the side may be a bit of a distraction but it also gives you some security.

Don’t make a decision on an emotion, especially a negative emotion. It’s best to take some time to process the facts. Running a business is extremely rewarding but it’s also one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.

Who is your inspiration and who have been your cheerleaders in life?

I can’t say I have a specific inspiration. My parents pushed me quite hard from an early age, so I guess especially now that he’s gone, I probably want to make my dad proud.

As for the cheerleaders, I have a few close friends by my side. I also found that some people I hardly knew and whom I’d met along the journey have been extremely supportive. They probably believed in me more than I believed in myself, especially during the dark times.

What would you say to 15-year-old Sophie?

Keep going and believe in yourself more.

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Probably as I am now, in a number of ways – not all. I could do with a little less stress and more time off for example. I’m not really driven by money, I’m more driven by impact so I’m quite content and happy with what I have.

Sophie’s five top tips for mature singles seeking love in the modern age

1 – Deal with your past and your emotional baggage before you even start the dating process. Burying it all in a box at the back of your head won’t serve you well so it needs to be faced up to.

2 – Know what you want as opposed to what you don’t want. Focus on qualities, values and life vision as opposed to ‘materialistic stuff’. In the unlikely event someone was to lose their job/ status/ looks (ill health, accident, etc…), would you still enjoy their company?

3 – Be open-minded. A bit like the point above, give people a chance even if they are different from your normal type. One of my clients did this and she is still with the guy nearly 6 years on…

4 – Trust your gut instinct. If something tells you inside that something isn’t quite right, then listen to it.

5 – Enjoy the process. Most people see dating as a chore and end up being quite negative about it. Remember that the negativity will feed through unconsciously and could put off potential partners.

• To find out more about Sophie, and her dating expert advice for the over 50s, click here.