What My Abusive Childhood Taught Me About Being A Mother

Author Pam Rowe reveals what an abusive childhood taught her about being a mother

Author Pam Rowe reveals what an abusive childhood taught her about being a mother

Social worker Pam Rowe suffered a terrifyingly traumatic childhood. Beaten by her aunt and raped and abused by several different men – one of whom was her father – she survived against the odds. Despite having suffered terrible trauma, Pam’s story is one of hope. She is now working to make a difference in other people’s lives so they don’t have to go through the same ordeals and as part of this has written a memoir about her experiences – Clear Water. Here, Pam reveals what effect her abusive childhood had on her and how it shaped the type of mother she became…

Before I had my son, there were a lot of things I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to find out why he was crying, I had never changed a nappy – and I didn’t know how overwhelmingly responsible I would feel for the child who was so dependent on me.

However, there were somethings I didn’t have to learn, as I had already been taught them when I experienced extreme abuse as a child. I knew too well of the harm that adults could do to

Social worker Pam Rowe has written a memoir about her abusive childhood and what it taught her about being a mother. She speaks to Belle About Town.
Pam Rowe is now a successful social worker and author

children, so I was cautious, and never left my son with anyone for an extended period.

Here are some of the things my abuse taught me about being a mother:

It’s important for children to express themselves

Even before he could talk I let my son know that I was interested in what he felt. I helped him find words to express how he was feeling and asked him often

Social worker Pam Rowe reveals what an abusive childhood in Jamaica taught her about being a mother. She speaks to Belle About Town.
Pam’s memoir Clear Water details her abusive childhood and how it shaped her as a mother

what he was thinking. I tried to make sure that my son would not be as passive as I was – and that he also wouldn’t be afraid of life. As well as this, I also tried to make sure he was able to listen to others and be respectful as well. I think I got the balance right – as my son is an articulate young man who is confident and a joy to be around.

Try not to make your fears their fears

Since my son was 5, he has been going to martial arts classes. I was still very afraid of violence because of my childhood, so initially I was nervous about him going. However, I knew it was important not to make my fears, his fears and so I continued to take him to his classes. The classes have helped his self-confidence and encouraged him to be equipped with defensive skills.

Anyone is capable of abuse

I knew too well that anyone can do awful things – including family members. I experienced sexual abuse from my father, so I made sure my son knew how to protect himself. I tried my best to let him know that I was around to protect him, trying carefully to also not to be overbearing.

I wanted him to know that he had a family, and so it was important to me that he met my father despite what I had suffered. However, it didn’t make any difference to me that my son was a boy – I still took precautions not to ever leave him with my father. It’s important to allow freedom but always be aware of the dangers that may emerge.

  • Emily Cleary

    After almost a decade chasing ambulances, and celebrities, for Fleet Street's finest, Emily has taken it down a gear and settled for a (slightly!) slower pace of life in the suburbs. With a love of cheese and fine wine, Emily is more likely to be found chasing her toddlers round Kew Gardens than sipping champagne at a showbiz launch nowadays, or grabbing an hour out of her hectic freelancer's life to chill out in a spa while hubby holds the babies. If only!

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