Parenting: What Would Philippa Do?

I love Philippa Perry.  Maybe it’s because she’s a psychotherapist – maybe it’s just because she’s lovely, but everything she says feels comforting.  She’s wise, everything she says makes sense and she’ll deliver you a dose of tough love in the nicest possible way.  So, when I read, at the bottom of her regular column in RED magazine that she had a new book out on parenting, I reflexively just ordered it. 

Snappily entitled The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did), this is a piece of writing I wish I’d been able to read 9 years ago when pregnant with my first child. Back then and as with most new endeavours I’ve ever undertaken, I bought and consumed every book there was in the hope that by doing so, I’d nail this parenting lark.  (*Spoiler alert, I didn’t). Oh yes, I think back then I must’ve done them all – Gina Ford (gulp), The Baby Whisperer (bit less gulp), Harvey Karp (5 esses), the one about French kids not throwing food (merde!), what to expect (best you don’t tell us), wonder weeks (ah sleep regression) – all the books, all saying different things, all adding to the naïve, terrified, ridiculously hyper-vigilant broken mess I was and would be again 2.5 years on with my second child.

I definitely think my babies would wish their parent had ditched everything and just read Philippa instead.

There’s so much good in this book, but at its heart is the very simple and you’d think, obvious premise that all we have as baby humans and for a pretty long while are feelings.  Simple right?  But actually I don’t think so.   I can’t count the times someone would terrify me with the phrase “you’re making a rod for your own back there love,” the implication being that I was being outwitted by a 3 week old  and on the cusp of making a huge mistake with life long consequences.  *New parent me:  “Nooooooooooo!” 

There’s often an implication that babies and toddlers are out to manipulate us parents.  What this book does is to totally remind us that, well, for a good few years most mini humans simply aren’t that clever.  And moreover are just vulnerable, helpless and utterly reliant on us to help them navigate the world.

It’s a simple, but powerful perspective and has been a bit of an epiphany for me.  My son Ben, now 6, is still and has always been one to show you exactly how he’s feeling, whether that’s throwing his head back for the biggest laugh or jumping around the room like Rumpelstiltskin in protest at the end of any fun or denial of any crazy whim.  And yes, at 6 he still throws a good tantrum.  I’m not going to lie, they are no fun and yes, I will do anything to make them stop – bribery, distraction and if it’s in public I am often praying for the ground to swallow me whole. What Philippa says on this subject though rings so true.  He’s not having the tantrum for fun.  He’s not enjoying it any more than I am.  He’s just living in the moment with his very real feelings, a moment for him that he can’t rationalise or understand.  The answer?  Well, it’s simply to understand…well… that!

In practice, only yesterday, a few seconds into a Richter scale 8 tantrum about not being able to have prawn cocktail crisps for breakfast, instead of swiftly turning on Cbeebies and hoping Mr Tumble would sort it, I just gave him a cuddle and said “aww you really just want those crisps don’t you.”  He sort of just stopped, looked me straight in the eye, said yes and went on to eat his yogurt.  All he needed was a bit of understanding.

This isn’t a book of hacks and tips.  It isn’t a parenting methodology or a set of routines.  It’s just a wise person with years of experience in the field sharing what she knows about how our brains work.

I’ve read A LOT of parenting books.  If I had that time again I’d just read this.

*And full disclosure, if I’m honest, I quite like the idea of prawn cocktail crisps for breakfast.