Hollywood’s Marriages Under Annihilation
The word ‘splitzville’ has been typed by many a hacker this week as some of Tinseltown’s biggest marital couplings split faster than a freshly served-up banana/chocolate/ice cream dessert. Xtina, Laura Dern and Courteney Cox [-Arquette?] have announced they are splitting from their hubbys, but I should clarify that Courteney and David’s is a marvellously intriguing Plan B scenario known as the ‘trial separation’. So let us begin…
‘Splitzville’ No.1: Courteney Cox-Arquette & David Arquette
In the most head-scratching manner, Cougar Town actress Courteney Cox and David Arquette have revealed they are on a ‘trial separation’. Now to us confused us mere mortals, this means they can play ‘hide the salami’ with other people, which naughty David admitted he did with barmaid Jasmine Waltz – live on Howard Stern’s radio show on Monday. Yes, a radio show. Even more cringing, the silly billy went into such detail as admitting: “I did have sex with Jasmine one time, maybe twice. My sexual encounter made me feel pretty manly.” He then went on to say of his wife of 11 years with whom he has a six-year-old daughter Coco: “She doesn’t want to tell me, ‘Don’t do that, don’t do this.’ She doesn’t want to nag me anymore…” Cheeky shock jock Stern said: “Because sometimes she thinks of you as like a little boy.” The ‘I’m so down with the kids’ Dave replied, “Yeah. She said, ‘I don’t want to be your mother anymore.’ I got it…” If that wasn’t bad enough, he blabbed he and Courteney hadn’t had sex for four months before they split. “Sex with Courteney is scheduled to a certain degree,” he said. “We’re not having sex and I completely understand. She’s in a place of wanting to be real. It doesn’t feel right, she doesn’t feel like bonding in that way.” I can hear a cougar’s growl, can you? A no-doubt-red-faced Arquette apologised the next day, tweeting: “I went on Howard Stern…to provide clarity and honesty about what I’m experiencing but while doing that I shared too much… for that I am sorry and humbled.”
‘Splitzville’ No.2: Laura Dern & Ben Harper
There must have been something in the water because on the same day, Courteney and David’s ‘let’s play couples’ friends Laura Dern and Ben Harper announced the demise of their five-year marriage. The 43-year-old Jurassic Park actress was apparently ‘blind-sided’ by the divorce papers filed by the 40-year-old Grammy Award-winning musician last week, citing that old favourite ‘irreconcilable differences’. According to the papers, the couple separated on New Years Eve, however insiders and eyewitnesses say they had been travelling together up until recently, including attending the wedding (don’t give up on love yet, people) of American singer Eddie Vedder last month. Unfortunately there are kids involved – Ellery, nine, and Jaya, five – and Ben’s insisting she not have spousal support but they share joint custody. The couple were together for five years before marrying in 2005. The marriage is the first for Laura and the second for Ben, who was married to Joanna Harper from 1996 to 2001. Insiders claim Ben’s first marriage ended when Laura fell pregnant – while Mrs Harper was pregnant with their second child. Sigh. Well, it is a Hollywood marriage folks, so expect the dirt to fly!
‘Splitzville’ No.3: Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman
They were always an odd couple and I always thought she was WAY out of his league, but it was still very sad to hear of the end of Christina’s seemingly perfect yin-and-yang marriage to her music exec hubby. The Grammy Award-winning singer released a statement on Tuesday stating: ‘Although Jordan and I are separated, our commitment to our son Max remains as strong as ever.’ But the 29-year-old mum didn’t waste any time in firming things up. Two days later she filed divorce papers on Thursday, citing – you guessed it – ‘irreconcilable differences’. In exactly the same vein as Ben Harper, Christina seeks joint custody of Max but Jordan gets no child support dosh. Reports from the US claim the couple separated months ago – a sorry end to what appeared to be a genuine love story, accompanied by the Joe Jackson song Is She Really Going Out With Him?. The couple were introduced by her manager in 2002 while he worked as a marketing man at her record company. They got engaged in February 2005 on a holiday to Carmel, California, when a gutsy Jordan surprised her with a hotel room laden with rose petals, balloons and gift boxes with poems written he’d written specially for her to read before his dramatic on-the-knee proposal. The couple tied the knot at a vineyard in California the following November and he carried her over the threshold. But the ultimate justification for why we thought this marriage was a goodun was when, in 2006, we heard she abandoned her last of 12 body piercings for him ‘out of respect to her husband’. Where did it all go wrong?
But It’s Not All Banana Splits
Luckily there was some good news for you embittered and disillusioned romantics. A defiant former colleague of Courteney’s, Friends star David Schwimmer, ignored the sad triumvirate of marital meltdowns and assumed – quite rightly – we’d need a bit of lurve in our lives. The 43-year-old confirmed via a mouthpiece on Monday that he’d exchanged vows with his British photographer girlfriend, Zoe Buckman. In June. That’s four months ago. No details yet of where, who attended, who wore what, who did the best dad dancing – or even if, in fact, they’re ‘over the moon with happiness’, but this impressively private couple sound pretty solid. Remember that 2007 Simon Pegg flick Run, Fat Boy, Run? Well you might also recall that David actually directed it and it was during filming in London that he met the North London brunette. In a move that takes inspiration from George Clooney, David first encountered his lovely wife-to-be at the Cuckoo Club in London’s West End, where she was working as a part-time waitress. It was pretty much love at first sight because Zoe soon moved to LA (no brainer, really) and shacked up with her new A-list man (now that’s just rubbing it in, isn’t it?). In March this year, the lovers announced their engagement and by June the deal was done. Go London girls! Now I’m never one to name-drop [yes, she is – Ed!], but I personally had the great pleasure of dancing with David in the Buddha Bar many moons ago – and boy, can he party! A great guy, a happy occasion, well done D&Z – congratulations!