What My Abusive Childhood Taught Me About Being A Mother
Social worker Pam Rowe suffered a terrifyingly traumatic childhood. Beaten by her aunt and raped and abused by several different men – one of whom was her father – she survived against the odds. Despite having suffered terrible trauma, Pam’s story is one of hope. She is now working to make a difference in other people’s lives so they don’t have to go through the same ordeals and as part of this has written a memoir about her experiences – Clear Water. Here, Pam reveals what effect her abusive childhood had on her and how it shaped the type of mother she became…
Before I had my son, there were a lot of things I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to find out why he was crying, I had never changed a nappy – and I didn’t know how overwhelmingly responsible I would feel for the child who was so dependent on me.
However, there were somethings I didn’t have to learn, as I had already been taught them when I experienced extreme abuse as a child. I knew too well of the harm that adults could do to
children, so I was cautious, and never left my son with anyone for an extended period.
Here are some of the things my abuse taught me about being a mother:
It’s important for children to express themselves
Even before he could talk I let my son know that I was interested in what he felt. I helped him find words to express how he was feeling and asked him often
what he was thinking. I tried to make sure that my son would not be as passive as I was – and that he also wouldn’t be afraid of life. As well as this, I also tried to make sure he was able to listen to others and be respectful as well. I think I got the balance right – as my son is an articulate young man who is confident and a joy to be around.
Try not to make your fears their fears
Since my son was 5, he has been going to martial arts classes. I was still very afraid of violence because of my childhood, so initially I was nervous about him going. However, I knew it was important not to make my fears, his fears and so I continued to take him to his classes. The classes have helped his self-confidence and encouraged him to be equipped with defensive skills.
Anyone is capable of abuse
I knew too well that anyone can do awful things – including family members. I experienced sexual abuse from my father, so I made sure my son knew how to protect himself. I tried my best to let him know that I was around to protect him, trying carefully to also not to be overbearing.
I wanted him to know that he had a family, and so it was important to me that he met my father despite what I had suffered. However, it didn’t make any difference to me that my son was a boy – I still took precautions not to ever leave him with my father. It’s important to allow freedom but always be aware of the dangers that may emerge.
- Clear Water, a memoir by Pam Rowe is out now, priced £16.99 or £9.99 on Kindle, available at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clear-Water-Speaking-Unspeakable-Purpose/dp/1999611322
